Pregnancy & Infant Loss
By Shannon Clutton-Carr, PT
Content Warning: this blog post discusses baby loss and infant death while offering ways to support oneself and others through loss. Please proceed with caution if needed.
At The WOMB, we know that pregnancy can be a time of anxiety, confusion, and grief. Not every pregnancy ends with a happy, healthy baby in our arms. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and this is a brief introduction into the many ways that you can support your mind, body, and heart through the unique grief that only comes through the loss of a pregnancy or infant.
WHAT IS IT?
Pregnancy and Infant Loss, or PAIL, captures the myriad of ways that a pregnancy can end in death – miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, termination for medical reasons, stillbirth, neonatal loss, infant loss (including SIDS/SUDI/SUDC), loss of a multiple, loss through adoption, loss through surrogacy, and any other loss that a birthing person identifies. The loss of a pregnancy or infant has reverberating impacts on the birthing parent as well as their partners, other children, family, friends, colleagues, and other valuable relationships. It can occur at any time during pregnancy or the first few years of life of a child. It’s the dark side of pregnancy, the antithesis of the hope, joy, and excitement we all associate with pregnancy. Open discussion about PAIL-related grief is growing and we welcome the destigmatization and ever-evolving support that bereaved parents can and should receive from all of the people who touch their lives.
Below is a list of considerations to support yourself throughout this long and difficult journey.
TENDING TO YOURSELF
BASIC SELF CARE: Have you drank any water today? What about a nourishing meal? Taken a shower? Gotten outside for a breath of fresh air? These may sound like simple tasks, but if you find yourself here as a loss parent, you know they are full of complexities. We cannot grieve and heal without properly caring for our bodies, so when you have an opportunity, check in with yourself and address your basic needs. If that is all you do today, good for you – you did something that you didn’t think you could do.
PHYSICAL RECOVERY: Allow your wounds to heal. If you birthed your child, you will still require 6-8 weeks of physical recovery time, just as you would if your baby survived. Loved Momma Fitness and Two Peas Wellness offer beautiful online options for honouring your physical journey and returning to fitness. A trauma-informed health care practitioner, such as a pelvic health physiotherapist, osteopath, acupuncturist, massage therapist, or somatic/energy healer (Reiki, etc) can be helpful for birth and trauma recovery when you feel ready.
MENTAL HEALTH: Consider creating healthy boundaries when you need to. Need more time off of work? Take it if you can. Need some alone time from your partner, living children, or well-meaning family members? Let them know. Want to stop talking about your loss for a bit? Be honest with those who ask. Want to hear your baby’s name more often? Make that request from those who also loved your baby. Many bereaved parents report feeling multiple and conflicting emotions about their loss, often in the same day. Try your best to communicate your needs, and if that is too difficult, then gently ask for space, a change of words/phrases, and/or remove yourself from any situation that doesn’t feel safe for you. You are allowed to grieve in any way you need to and others will grow to respect that in time.
LIVING WITH LOSS
Grief is a complex journey and requires mindful approaches to gently ease yourself back into the world of the living. When it feels like your life has been upended, but the rest of the world carries on, what can a person do? We suggest the following:
Reach out to a trusted, gentle friend or family member for a good cry, a firm hug, or a quiet listening ear.
Find your people – consider joining a peer support group. Our most frequent recommendations include the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Centre, the PAIL Network, and Bereaved Families of Ontario - Midwestern Region for comprehensive, in-person and virtual peer support options for families and losses of all kinds.
Consider individualized or couples therapy – any practicing social worker, psychologist, or counselor licensed in Ontario can be accessed through virtual care now. If you prefer in-person therapy services, many practitioners have re-opened their doors to support grieving families. A grief coach is another option for those looking for something similar to therapy, usually at a reduced cost.
Use social media at your discretion – there are many amazing online support networks in the world of social media. Be mindful of your energy and what feels right for you and only consume the social media that brings you resolve, rather than more heartache. Do you feel seen when reading that person’s posts or do they make you feel worse? It’s ok to only intake what feels right for you at this time (and that may vary daily).
Read a good book, if you can. If you prefer to avoid grief literature, consider picking up your favourite novel to re-read, your preferred religious scripture, or something new to create a brief escape. If you’re looking to deep dive into the multitude of grief-related writings available, check out our lending library, or consider making a small purchase from Melissa Sulley, Certified PAIL Coach and accessing her PDF Resource Guide.
OFFERINGS AT THE WOMB GUELPH
Bereaved parents may feel left adrift with few reliable places to turn for high quality, trauma-informed support. The WOMB prides itself on offering gentle support in a number of ways from multiple practitioners who may have experienced loss, are trauma-aware, or have developed their empathetic practices over time to hold space for you during this dark time.
PELVIC HEALTH PHYSIOTHERAPY: A pelvic floor physiotherapist can help you restore your movement or exercise practices, guide you through tissue healing of any birth related injuries, and teach you ways to regulate your nervous system. Shannon Clutton Carr, PT, is a bereaved mother herself and has the lived experiences of parenting while grieving and pregnancy after loss. Our entire Physiotherapy team is trauma-aware and holds space for your story, whatever it may be, when you are ready to share it.
NATUROPATHIC MEDICINE: Using a patient-centred and individualized approach, a Naturopath can help physically support your body after loss by providing herbs and nutrition support to help regulate hormones and hopefully prevent future losses, depending on the timing and suspected cause of your loss.
SOCIAL WORK/COUNSELLING: processing and integrating grief is difficult work to do alone. Kerri Mooney is registered Social Worker with specialized training in perinatal mental health. She offers in-person and virtual counselling sessions, and she offers sliding scale services for those that do not have extended health benefits. Kerri co-facilitates The WOMB Guelph’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Circle.
PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS SUPPORT CIRCLE: a small group of like-minded practitioners gathers once a month, in-person at The WOMB Guelph to hold space for all losses at any time in your parenting journey. It is a gentle, trauma-informed space that allows you to connect with other bereaved parents and discuss relevant topics. You can check our website for upcoming dates.
For more information, reach out via phone, email, or social media to connect with us.
Written by Shannon Clutton-Carr, PT
